The holidays are a time for family bonding, tradition, and celebration. However, as you get older and start your own family, the dynamics of these traditions may evolve. It’s common for couples to want to establish their own holiday traditions, creating special memories for themselves and their children. But how do you approach your parents and gently let them know that you and your spouse want to start new traditions on your own? It can be a delicate conversation, especially if your parents have cherished holiday customs they’ve been practicing for years.

In this blog post, we’ll explore different ways to communicate your desire to start your own holiday traditions while respecting your parents' traditions. We'll provide practical tips, examples, and insights to help you navigate this conversation thoughtfully.

1. Recognize the Emotional Significance of Family Traditions

Before you begin the conversation, it's important to acknowledge that family traditions carry significant emotional value. Your parents have likely invested years in creating traditions that they hold dear. Understanding this will help you approach the topic with sensitivity and empathy.

Why this matters:

  • Family traditions are often linked to nostalgia and cherished memories.
  • Parents may feel hurt or rejected if they perceive your desire to create your own traditions as an attempt to distance yourselves from them.
  • The holiday season is already emotional, and discussing changes to long-standing traditions requires extra care.

Action step:

  • Reflect on why you want to start your own traditions. Is it to create unique experiences for your children? Is it about aligning with your spouse's background and customs? Being clear on your motivations will help you explain your decision respectfully.

2. Have an Open and Honest Discussion

The first step in conveying your desire to create your holiday traditions is to approach the conversation openly and honestly. Avoid letting resentment or frustration build up over time. Instead, express your feelings before the holiday season is in full swing, giving your parents ample time to process the information.

Key talking points to cover:

  • Explain your desire to create a sense of unity in your own family. Share how you and your spouse want to start your own set of traditions that reflect your values and goals as a couple.
  • Reassure them that you still value their traditions. Emphasize that you are not rejecting their customs but simply looking to establish your own unique celebrations.
  • Acknowledge how important their role in your life is. Remind them that you still want to be part of family gatherings, but you want to carve out your own traditions.

Example conversation starter: "Mom, Dad, I’ve been thinking a lot about how we celebrate the holidays, and I wanted to talk about starting a few traditions of our own as a family. We’re so grateful for everything you’ve done over the years, and I want you to know we still plan to join you for the holidays. But we also feel it’s important to create something special for our own little family, and I’d love your understanding as we try something new."

3. Focus on Compromise and Flexibility

While expressing your desire for new traditions is important, you should also be open to compromise. The holidays are a time for family to come together; part of that involves giving a little. You might find that your parents are open to the idea of letting you start your own traditions, but with a few shared moments to keep the old customs alive.

Ideas for compromise:

  • Celebrate your own traditions on a different day. If your parents have a specific holiday tradition that’s important to them, consider celebrating your new traditions a day or two before or after their gathering. This way, you honor both families’ traditions without overloading your schedule.
  • Rotate holidays between families. Alternate which family you spend Christmas, Thanksgiving, or New Year’s with each year. This gives you the flexibility to create your own family’s customs while also honoring your parents' expectations.
  • Incorporate elements of both traditions. Blend aspects of your parents' holiday traditions with your own. For example, you might have your own special Christmas morning breakfast while attending your parents’ dinner later in the day.

Example of compromise: "We would love to start our own Christmas Eve tradition where we exchange small gifts just the two of us. But we’d still love to come to your place for Christmas dinner, and we’d be happy to bring dessert or help with the meal!"

4. Acknowledge Potential Feelings of Hurt

It's natural for your parents to feel hurt or disappointed when they realize that their holiday traditions will be altered or that you want to establish your own customs. This is especially true if they’ve been expecting you to follow in their footsteps. Acknowledge these feelings and give your parents the time they need to come to terms with the change.

How to handle hurt feelings:

  • Validate their emotions. Let them know that you understand how much these traditions mean to them and that you don’t take their feelings lightly.
  • Give them time to process. Just because you’ve expressed your desire to start your own traditions doesn’t mean your parents will immediately accept the change. Be patient and allow them time to adjust to the idea.
  • Reaffirm your love and appreciation. Remind your parents that the desire to create new traditions is about strengthening your family bond, not rejecting theirs.

Example: "I understand this may be hard for you, and I don’t want you to feel like we’re pushing you away. We’ll always treasure the memories we’ve made together, and we hope you can support us as we start our own chapter."

5. Set Boundaries If Necessary

While being kind and considerate is important, it’s also crucial to set clear boundaries if necessary. If your parents are resistant to the idea of you starting your own traditions, you may need to stand firm in your decision while still being respectful.

When setting boundaries:

  • Be assertive but empathetic. Express your needs calmly and with respect, but don’t let guilt or pressure make you backtrack on your decision.
  • Reiterate the importance of family. Let your parents know that you value your relationship with them and want to make sure everyone feels respected during the holiday season.
  • Be willing to create new boundaries each year as circumstances evolve. Traditions can change as families grow and as life circumstances change.

6. Involve Your Children in the Discussion (When Applicable)

If you have children, involving them in the discussion may be helpful when the time comes. Explaining to your parents that the new traditions are for the benefit of the next generation can soften the conversation.

Why involving children matters:

  • Children can help convey the excitement of creating new memories.
  • Your parents may feel more willing to let go of the old ways if they know they’re helping create something meaningful for the younger generation.

Example: "We’ve been talking about how much fun it would be for our kids to have a special holiday tradition. They could look forward to it every year, just like we did when we were young."

7. Offer Solutions for Including Them in Your New Traditions

To avoid any feelings of exclusion, offer ways your parents can still be part of your new holiday traditions. You could invite them to join in on your special activities, or you might involve them in planning or creating new traditions together.

Ways to involve parents in your traditions:

  • Invite them to help with preparations, such as decorating the house or cooking a special holiday meal.
  • Plan a joint holiday activity that includes both your new traditions and theirs, such as a day trip or a special event that blends both families’ customs.

Starting your own holiday traditions as a couple can be an exciting and meaningful way to celebrate the holidays. While it’s important to approach the topic with care and understanding, it’s equally important to create a space for your own family’s unique customs. With clear communication, empathy, and flexibility, you can respectfully navigate this conversation and create holiday memories that reflect your family’s values.